what hurts the most
by sadsadtree
Summary: Olivia got out alive from Lewis' hands. But no one knew what exactly happened, included Olivia herself. Any possible our favorite fighter will become the beast she'd always been fighting against? Or we all can be the evilest demon, once our darksides get free? Actually, we don't know Olivia Benson at all. (Warning: it's a dark dark dark story. AO on the way) Lewis killed E. sorry..
1. Chapter 1

**WHAT HURTS THE MOST**

* * *

**_We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call, no way out._**

**_—Tennessee Williams_**

* * *

PROLOGUE

With a feeling of electric shock ran down her spine, Alex Cabot snapped eyes open in her dark office. The shrill ringing coming from the ugly telephone, scared the hell out of her.

_Jesus Holy Christ…_

The luminous hands of her watch showed 3:25, though it even took her a couple seconds to figure out it was day or night.

_Right, great, midnight call._

Sleeping at home always brought her nightmares filled with all kinds of horrible ways of her girlfriend being hurt and murdered, and tonight curling up in the small couch of her office, praying for some precious rest, she got this.

Exhaustion suddenly crawled up her body. Over a week, well, literally, it had been 11 days, since the last time she slept through a whole night.

Since, that night…

At the amazing night, she had her very first lesbian sex of her life. Well, honestly, there truly was some tiny cute awkwardness and nervousness between them, some silly drunk talking… but the unbelievable sympathy waving in the deepest ocean of their souls, had already been branded on her heart, which now only felt too bittersweet to recall. Though, they never got a chance to really talk about it. There never was a good time. She had to jump off the bed before sunrise, catching the early flight to L.A., and she got a perp named William Lewis to interrogate in the morning. The last thing she told her girlfriend before left her apartment, was just _I'm gonna save it for seducing you,_ after the brunette, naked, half awake, sexy messy hair, asking for a goodbye kiss from the bed, the place they just explored each other's mysterious body in.

_God…Why couldn't you just get your ass over and kiss her, telling her how much you love her, like a normal lover supposed to do?_

No matter how hard she beat herself up with this, the anger and guilt chewing on her heart never lessened.

Only God knew how much Alex Cabot longed to know the brunette's feelings, about their love making, about her, about their future… But now she didn't even know if she was alive.

If she never worked in the force before, never knew the police work, the cops on this case would have told her in the first place that people who went missing for over 72 hours without any trace, would very likely turn out dead.

Hope could be such a bitch, she gradually learned. Some part of her fragile heart, kinda cruelly expected that one day she would get a phone call, told to identify body in the morgue.

Well, the cruelness, was also a relief, somehow.

Mentally and physically, the endless waiting was stabbing her a little bit deeper each day. And worse, when people talked about move-on, she was only thinking if there was a chance she could love someone else again, even she survived this hell.

Once a fish saw a real ocean, it would never lay eyes on the aquarium anymore. And the woman called Olivia Benson was the veritable ocean to her, or perhaps, the entire world was just an illusion only existed when the brunette being around with her. What was why this city felt so deserted and meaningless without her.

Rubbing her sore eyes, Alex heard her new professional voice. "Ferrari Trading. What can I do for you?"

"Alex?"

The voice got her wide awake right away. "…Cragen?"

Heart froze in her chest.

_God... no…_

With her breath holding, Cragen's words suddenly felt difficult to comprehend. All she heard was : _"We got her… alive… hurry… hospital… might not gonna make it…"_

She gripped tighter on the phone, as if preventing her softened knees from giving away.

_"…Alex? Hello?"_

Her voice came out oddly shakily. "Yeah. And... Elliot?"

"He… Mmmm…He…"

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**

**AWAKE &amp; AFRAID**

\- ( Three Days Later ) -

Alex shut her eyes in the bright morning sun-rays, while her hand stopped before the curtains fully closed, despite every cell of her being was literally dying for some alive light, despite there was barely heat in it.

She hated how much this ICU room smelt like death.

There was no sound, no movement, other than the heart-monitor beeping, the breathing machine rising and falling… And the rhythm they made, was really... hypnotic, which did nothing but setting free all her old, new, good and bad memories from every corner of her aching heart. And some of them kept replaying and replaying, until her mind automatically filled all the memory-blanks in every vivid way.

_…_

_"…She was brutally hitting his head with the balled-up iron chain, while the guy was cuffed to the bed. And Stabler had stopped breathing for a while."_

_"She said anything?"_

_"Said? She did not even felt like human when we found her. She was just screaming, and smashing the vic's head…"_

_"Excuse me. You call the beast 'vic'? She is the victim here!"_

_"Man, I said _**smash**_, because that guy's head was… literally a squashed watermelon. You know what I'm saying? And she did that under the witness of the entire rescue team."_

_"You mean you guys were just watching?!"_

_"We were running down the spiral staircase! We even fired warning shots. But she wasn't there. That was a killing machine, or some wild, cruel lioness attacking a pile of meat! She just didn't hear, or didn't care… despite being naked, covered in blood, injuries… whatever… She was using her last bit of life to strike… she just didn't give a damn… Jesus…It was the most unbelievable, freaking crazy shit I've ever seen in my life!"_

_"She… did she resist when you subdued her?"_

_"She collapsed just before we got her."_

_"So… how does the evidence seem like, to the IAB, I mean. Any chance to try the insanity defense? Self-defense?"_

_"Look, Alex, I already said too much. We're even now. Sorry…"_

_"Ty! Please. She's one of you, a good cop! You know how things look like doesn't mean the truth. Please…"_

_"I don't know anything. All I know, is her vaginal epithelial cells also found on her dead partner's penis; her prints were all over the weapons; her teeth matched the bite wound on Lewis's carotid; and she smashed a man's face in front of the whole world…,"_

_"Her… what?!" _

_"I need to go. We never met, and you owe me now, Alex. Take care. I'm sorry."_

_…_

That was the conversation between her and an old friend who worked on Olivia's case. No matter how many times she tried to process everything, it still felt impossible to believe. She wondered, and was too scared to wonder what on earth the beast had done to the brunette in those 11 fucking days. What kind of ordeal had she been through could make her do _things_ like that?

"Hey, blondie."

Nurse Natalie Hill's calling brought her back to the present.

"Visiting time is 3 p.m. You know that." In the bright light, her pale green eyes with those unusual tiny pupils, felt even creepier.

Tucking a strand hair behind her ear, Alex nodded. "I'm leaving. How's she doing? Any change?"

"You only left for, like, 6 hours, lady. And my shift just started five minutes ago. ... as her record said, no change."

"But Doctor Reed said he is reducing the painkiller dosage to wake her up."

"Give her some time, would ya? C'mon. Time to go, please."

Taking another look at her girlfriend lying in the hospital bed, whose face still shockingly bruised and pale, Alex gently touched one of her fingers, and bent down to her ear side. "Hey, you know what? Nurse Zombie Eyes just caught me, again. Yeah, she's really a pain in my ass now… I know… You have another dream and I'll be back... But if you feel like slept enough, please wake up to me, ok? I missed you… Bye, sweetheart."

"Come on." Zombie-Eyes tapped her foot on the floor impatiently.

"One last question. How's the injury on her back doing? She always lies on her back. So…"

"She can only lie on her back. Told you before. Broken collarbones and ribs, are more tricky."

"I mean, it could increase the risk of infections, right?"

"We are making every effort to prevent that. Though, to be honest, that is most likely to happen. That's why she's on high-dose antibiotics. Now, please leave. You're getting me into trouble."

"Ok, ok." Grabbing her purse, Alex walked to the door.

"What?" Zombie-Eyes' foot stopped tapping, as Alex suddenly froze in the middle of the room.

_Mmmm_…

With another barely audible moan coming from the bed, Alex turned around.

"Olivia?"

Her heart nearly stopped as she came to the bedside, meeting those beloved brown eyes. "Hey, Liv… Olivia. It's me. It's Alex. You heard me, didn't you?"

Those colorless lips cracked open, but no sound came out.

Zombie-Eyes ordered. "Call Doctor Reed." Rushing to the bedside. "Olivia, do not try to speak. You have a breath tube in your throat, ok? You're in the hospital."

The brunette looked confused.

"No, don't move." Zombie-Eyes stopped her patient's attempt. "You just woke up from 3 days' coma. You understand me? If you do, give me a blink."

It took her a moment, before her eyes blinked slowly.

Meeting the young nurse's smile, Alex suddenly felt those dead eyes weren't that annoying actually.

"Good. Now I'm gonna check on your lungs. If things go well, your doctor will take the tube out, so you can talk. Isn't that good? Well, my stethoscope might be a little cold, sorry for that. You ready?"

She got sleepy already.

Not sure it was a blink yes or her patient was just falling back into sleep, Zombie-Eyes gently pulled down the cover, exposing most of her upper body. "I need to loose your clothes a little bit, and get my hand underneath for a second, ok?"

As all the burn marks on her side neck exposed, followed by those dark, striking fingermarks, followed by heavy bandages and a clavicle-brace wrapping around both her shoulders and armpits… Alex felt her scalp got numb.

_God..._

That was when she found she had come to the doorway, standing with her back to the room. She could hear clearly every word the doc said to Olivia, as well as his every step of examination… though, she just couldn't take the images anymore.

She felt sick, sick and beyond angry.

Although none of these injuries was new to her: Open collarbones fractures, four ribs broken, vagina and anal tears, ripped nails, bruises, burnt, cuts… but seeing them with her own eyes was literally a whole new heart stabbing.

Suddenly she hoped that the beast hadn't died too quickly. Even she wished he hadn't died, so she could end him with her very bare hands.

"Miss Cabot? I think she's asking for you."

"Yes." Her choking tone surprised her, as she sniffed and wiped on the eyes.

"Hey, sleepy head." Alex came to the bedside. They had taken out the breath tube out, and put a nasal cannula in her nose. "How are you feeling?"

Olivia lifted her eyelids slowly. Her pupils shrank in the light. "A- Alex?" Her voice was so hoarse.

"Yes, yes, I'm right here. God, I miss your eyes so much... Welcome back, sweetheart. How are you feeling?" She smiled in tears, thumb caressing on her girl friend's palm so gently as if it was her treasure.

"What time.. is it?"

"It's...morning. You just had the longest sleep in your life. You know that?"

"I… sick?"

Alex's heart tightened. "No, honey, you're injured." And she watched those brown eyes closed.

Doctor Reed gently patted on Alex's arm. "It's normal. Her nerves need time to be fully functional. Don't worry. C'mon, let's get out. Looks like she could use some rest. And we'll run some tests later today."

"Ok. Can I have a word with you?"

"Sure."

Just as Alex raising up, she felt a slight squeeze on her hand. She squeezed back gently. "Sorry, Liv. I have to go now, but I'll be back in hours. Ok?"

The brunette reopened her eyes. "Please, could you turn on some light?"

"What?"

Looking back and forth between the sunny window and Olivia's face, Alex felt her blood froze.

(TBC)

* * *

How do you feel about this story? Yes, Olivia was blind. But it is just beginning. What the hell happened between EOA and the beast?

You guys want to Elliot to die or not?

Oh, and the aftermath... I'm afraid that Olivia will be in big trouble... like... prison?

Plz R &amp; R!


	2. Chapter 2

God, I can't believe you guys wrote me so much kindness ! Thank you ~~~~

I'm sorry for killing Elliot, but the story between he and Olivia is not over yet. I'll show it to you in the future chapters.

So, the basic philosophy of this fiction, is call "peep from the gaps". I won't just let out everything so easily. I prefer to reveal them bit by bit, hide and seek, hard to get :) (I know i'm evil...)

Enjoy!

* * *

CHAPTER 2

BROKEN &amp; BRAVE

_**-In the parking lot of the hospital-**_

_**-****Afternoon****-**_

"Alex?"

The blond stopped her steps and sigh in relief, as a familiar voice came from behind.

They hugged. "So nice to see you, George."

The FBI psychiatrist gave a gentle squeeze on Alex's back. He knew what the long embrace meant. He was the only one knew the things between Olivia and her. The happiness written all over her face when she told him about being in love with Olivia, was still as vivid as yesterday.

"How are you holding up?"

She leaned away with a long breath, "I'm… holding up." managed a brief smile. "Sorry to call you in such a rush. IAB just couldn't give her a breath. Yesterday morning she came to, and dinner time was told the meeting was settled today."

"You're not alone. Like I said, I'll be be her therapist if you don't mind. Don't worry, Alex, we're gonna get through this together."

"Thank you so much, George… I, we appreciate."

"C'mon, don't say this. Tell me about her condition."

Alex took a breath. "Ok. So, she lost her sight. Both eyes have no light perception. And she kinda got amnesia."

"As I told you yesterday, I believe her eyesight problem is caused by the concussion or hypoxia ischemic brain damage. You said she stopped breathing for a while during the surgery. Brain damage may ensue in as little as three minutes."

Alex nodded. "Yeah, her doctor said the same. But what concerns me the most, is her mental state. George, what if... she's losing it."

"Tell me."

"It started…" She thought for a second about where to start. "When she first came to, she thought Elliot is still her partner and this year is 2010… which makes me…"

He felt her pain, as sorrow filling those blue eyes. "Makes you just a friend to her?… That must be tough."

Sadness crossed her face. "I'm just… not used to her being so offish and…," she took a deep breath, looked away, not willing to cry in public. "Anyway, how can I complain? She survived. And it is not my place to be sentimental. I keep recalling the way she asked about Elliot for the first time." She eyed back on him. " '_Where's Elliot? Undercover?_' …God, she is expecting his presence…"

"And how did you answer that?"

"I couldn't lie, so I just dodged."

"How did she react?"

"Good thing is she's not fully lucid… Gee, 'good thing'…" Alex pulled down her glasses, pinching the bridge of her nose. "She's very weak, still. Could hardly keep awake like, 10 minutes. But also could be the drug..."

"So, how much is she aware of?"

"We only told her, she's injured. And she didn't throw questions." She shook her head. "What she said is scary enough, though. You should see that look on Nick's face when she asked him: Do I know you?"

"I think it's still too early for her brain to take stress."

"I agree. But George, time is ticking. IAB is circling around like some predator."

"I know. This case is getting bigger. The press has made enough pressure to the 1PP. Even… Rumors say a NYPD detective kidnapped the suspect she couldn't take down by the book, and after being caught by her underground lover, she killed them both."

"What the-?!"

"Easy, Alex. You know how William Lewis slipped through Olivia's fingers not once but twice. There's got to be someone gets hold of this as a scandal of NYPD. They just live on these shit."

"But what if her memory is gone forever?…"

Huang put a hand on the blond's elbow. "Things might be not so bad as we think. It's possible that those memories are only buried. When a traumatic experience got too painful to take, the human brain will seal it deeply in mind. Come on, time to see her. Maybe we'll find out."

* * *

When they came to the door, her nurse Natalie Hill aka Zombie-Eyes was just coming out with a medication cart. "Oh, Hi, Alex."

"Hi Natalie. Is she awake?"

"She is. And thank God you're here. It's the first time we change her bandages while she's awake. It is painful, and scared her. You know, all those wounds, bruises… she questioned everything. I can't... let alone I don't really know anything! You take over. I'm soooo done."

"Why didn't give her some painkiller?"

"She refused."

"What? Why- Hm, thanks…" But Zombie-Eyes had walked away before Alex finished.

Swallowed hard, Alex took a nervous look on the shorter man on her side.

"How long do we have before the IAB shows up here?" He said.

Alex glanced at her watch. "Maybe not more than half hour."

He mouthed "it's ok", before pushing the door open.

"Hey, Liv." Huang smiled, making every effort to not to show any sadness or shock on his face.

"George?" The brunette turned her head towards the way his voice came from.

"Yes, it's me."

"And me." Alex found herself started getting use to make her actions audible.

They came to her bedside.

It still hit Huang, when seeing those brown eyes moving toward the sound, but never made eye contact. "How are you doing today? Are you in pain?" He noticed her shallow breath and sweaty hairline.

"A little. But no more drugs. I need to stay clear." She sounded like just ran a marathon.

Alex took a tissue from the nightstand, bending down. "Liv, let me wipe your forehead…"

"No." Her rejection was cold.

Alex froze, and stepped back, changing a look with Huang.

Though, Olivia broke the silence first. "What happened to me, exactly?"

The questions followed with another silence, as Huang wondering where to begin. "Olivia, what was the last thing you remember before waking up in here?"

She closed eyes. "I… It's not 2010, is it?" She answered with another question.

"No, it's 2013. October 15th." He said slowly.

Alex watched the brunette's eyes reopening in shock. Though, her voice was still calm. "So, any change in my life? I'm still a cop?"

Huang gently covered his hand with hers. "Yes, you're still a perp busting; still live in the same apartment, 4D; still as brave and badass as always."

An unnoticeable smile flashed on the corner of her mouth. "Thanks, George. But anything different?… Who is that **_Nick_**?"

Alex sighed, "Nick Amaro is your partner, Liv. Elliot put in his papers in 2011 after… a tough case."

There was a long while the brunette didn't breath. Her eyeballs moved back and forth quickly, as if searching desperately in her blank memory. "How- Why…I, don't remember this?…tough case, how tough? Did he get shot?"

"No, he…shot an underage girl. It was a good shot, but, he couldn't take it." Alex said as calmly as she could. Deep down, she felt she couldn't hate this reliving session more…

"A good... shot… Then why... I don't understand. yeah, every time things relative to child, he takes hard... So that girl didn't make it, did she?... make sense... But- He should stay, he could have stayed if-... I could, I could've convinced him. I must have... Wh-What did I do about this? Do you know? Alex? Had I talked with you about everything? huh?... I-I at least DID convince him to stay, didn't I? Or, or... tell me more for God's sake!"

_Shit, this thing is getting cruel._ "Yes, Liv, you tried. You tried everything you could... (on the premise of not to humiliate yourself, too hard...) But, ah, he kinda left abruptly, didn't say goodbye to anybody… I'm sorry, Liv."

"Include me?" Her face covered with some sorely, innocently confusing. "But why? And how? I-I don't- Did I do anything or,... What did I say to him, or-"

"Olivia, listen," Huang pulled a chair closer, sitting down. "It was not your fault, nor anyone's. Sometimes, some people just walk away with the reasons not ready to tell the world."

"The world..." Her teary eyes started to fill with disbelief and hurt.

It worried Alex. She put a hand on Olivia's elbow. "Liv, calm down. If you keep being so emotional, we probably have to end this conversation."

"Then why- I must have come to him, talked with him face to face if that son-of-a-bitch didn't answer his phone."

"He moved, Liv, before you came to knock his door."

"What the- No way. No way he could move his fucking HUGE..." she choked, but refused to let the tears drop.

Alex slipped a hand in her girlfriend's palm. "He left his medallion and a mini badge for you. And you clipped the mini badge on the bottom of your gun. Remember?"

She paused a long while, but her face only saying a sad _no_. "Where? He moved to where?"

"We don't know. Nobody knows. He didn't tell any-"

"You gotta be kidding me! I'm a fucking cop, living in a fucking cop house! You said like that son-of-a-bitch was just vanished or something..."

"Liv, you forbade people to look for him, even talk about him, even around you, since then. So..."

"Olivia," Huang said in his professional calmness. "All these things were long gone. Remember you have already gotten all over with it. It was just your past we are filling you in." He let the words sink in. "What's gone is gone. No one can change nothing. …It's not worth your more tears, Olivia. You're over this."

It seemed worked in some way. Olivia breathed carefully, as deep as her painful ribs allowed. "So, he left. Fine... That's how I moved on?..." Another wave of tears poured down her cheeks. She pulled herself together with that. "And then what, I'm obviously not married, right?"

It brought a smile on the blond's face. "No, you married to your job, remember?"

"Until you have her."

Alex almost flinched, quickly mouthed a "no" to Huang.

"Her?" Her eyes turned to him.

He gave a assuring pat on the blond's knee. "Alex came back from the WPP, you helped her find a new job. And then you two…" he changed a look with Alex, who seemed really nervous now. "…kinda got close."

Alex felt her heart froze. The look on her girlfriend's face was unreadable. _Surprise? Disappoint?_

"Sorry, I don't remember."

Her only reply stung.

"It's ok, sweetie." Words slipped out, getting her even more awkward. _Could you please stop calling her that?_

"So I got a new partner, Nick. Nick what?"

"Nick Amaro. He's a good partner, Latino, a father of two. And another new detective, Amanda Rollins, from Atlanta, a pretty blondie, who has a sister. They love you very much, Liv."

She frowned, dropping her eyelids with a sigh. "I… I feel like you're telling me someone else's story. God… What the hell happened to my brain?"

"Olivia, your heart stopped beating for a moment in the surgery, which could cause amnesia." Huang took a glance over the clock on the wall.

"I died?" Her eyes reopened, and they were hollow.

Alex hated the D word came from her mouth. "Technically, yes, for a while. You scared the hell out of us, you know that?"

"Sorry…" She leaned to that concern voice. "So, I could've died, but, he... hasn't come to see me?"

"Liv…" Alex looked away, even being award of those brown eyes were blind, she still couldn't take that heartbreaking stare.

"What did I do to make him hate me so m-?"

"Olivia," the blond stopped her muttering, "you really don't remember?" Two voices were debating in her mind, of which might hurt her more: Elliot hating her or Elliot died in front of her. "You were with him, when he…died." Before she knew it, she had said it out.

Death grey crawled up Olivia's face, as those words dropped like a bomb, sending the whole room to a deafening quiet. "What… did you say...?"

"Olivia, try to think about an abandoned factory. Think hard…" Huang carefully encouraged. "Do you recall? A big empty room, in the basement… there's a bed, an iron table… some rusted iron hooks on the wall…"

Suddenly, a waft of blood smell slammed her face, as a loud screaming piercing through her head. "Ah! My head… hurts!" She was almost begging. "Please, tell me, what happened to him…Ah…"

"Ok, ok, Olivia, easy, take a breath… Actually, we don't know." He hated to push her, but he knew they were running out of time.

"You don't know? What does that mean…" Her body was shaking slightly. "Tell me, everything. Now!" The last word said in clenching teeth.

"Olivia, this case is getting worse. Three people involved, you're the only one survived. The IAB is gonna be here in any minute, taking your statement. Now, all the evidences are against you."

"Three?… included Elliot?… He d-died because of me?"

"Olivia," Huang got her attention back, "follow the logic and think like a detective. Don't arouse your emotion. Your body couldn't take it. You understand? Because we need to get some things done before the IAB shows up. You don't want to be caught completely unprepared, do you?"

She let out a shaky breath. "Thank you, George. Yes. I want to know… what happened. I'm ok." Her eyes felt like the original Detective Benson now.

Huang started. "Okay. First of all, I brought some paperworks." He pulled his briefcase, taking out a folder. "Sign this, I will be your therapist and Alex will be your lawyer, officially."

Olivia widened eyes.

Alex softened her tone. "Liv, yes, things are really bad now. It's time to get a legal psychological assessment, which could be used on the court, and a lawyer. So, here we are."

"I, uh, no, I appreciate, but… I'll owe you guys too much… I can't… Oh, God, how did he-"

**_'You guys'_**… Alex breathed out the pain. "Olivia, if you don't sign these, then we have no right to be here to watch your back, when the IAB question you about everything. Once you step in their trap, you'll be facing jail! You don't belong there."

"I don't know what to say. Thanks…"

Huang put everything back in the briefcase, after Olivia done signing. "Remember. You're not alone, Liv. We got your back."

"What if I don't worth your trust? I don't even remember any of these." She whispered.

Alex raised voice a little. "Olivia. Maybe you killed that beast, which the whole world knows he deserved it! But you didn't, no way you would kidnap him, or Elliot…I don't believe any shit the rumor says."

"I... WHAT?! " She was beyond tired already, but adrenergic boiled her blood.

"So, does William Lewis sound familiar to you?" Huang asked.

She thought for a second. "No. Who the hell is he?"

Alex felt her heart twisted. _Isn't good that not remembering this beast?_

"He is a suspect involved multiple rape and murder cases. You arrest him twice but didn't manage to get a conviction. In order not to induced you, I could only say, based on the evidences, you and Lewis had some struggle or fight in your apartment. After that, you two somehow ended up in an abandoned factory." Huang watched Olivia's expression carefully, though, none of these seemed to ring a bell.

"Go on." Her voice was creepy calm.

"When we found you, 11 days after you went missing, you were covered in blood, attacking William Lewis with a balled up iron chain, in the basement, and Elliot was... lying on the ground, with, a knife sticking into his stomach. The autopsy indicated, that you killed Lewis. And your prints are all over the knife, as well as all the other weapons found in the scene."

Out of nowhere, fragmentized flashbacks overwhelmed her, sending a screaming pain into her brain. "Ahhhh…" Her hands jerked up immediately, but the sling and heavy bandages had tied her both arms firmly to each side of her body.

"Olivia! Don't move your arms! Doctor! We need a doctor here!"

"No! I can… Gimme a sec…" She bit on the lower lip, praying for the pain to pass. "I saw, I saw a ceiling… musty ceiling…and creaking…creaking bed…" Suddenly, her eyes snapped open. "I was... raped?"

( T B C )

* * *

How's this chapter? For me, I like the way Olivia relived Elliot's sudden departure. Wow. You guys want to see their conversation in the basement?

Please R &amp; R! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for all your kind words, which made me really want to write more and faster.**

**Ok. Here comes the new chapter. **

**Warning: this chap will be a little bit scary. Hope you like it:) **

* * *

**CHAPTER 3**

_**-53 days later-**_

"Finally… God, my fucking knees are killing me!" Officer Manuel Ramos was trying to catch his breath after finally made it to the top of the stairs, spotting the apartment 4D on the end of the hall.

His younger partner Daniel Goodman pulled out a key from his pocket, speaking backward to the coming up steps over his shoulder. "Your knees, huh? Not the blind pain in your ass?"

Supporting Olivia's leaning weight, Alex felt her back sweat up in anger. _It was intentional to speak so loud. _But Olivia stopped her just before she snapped. "Where are we?"

"Almost there." Taking a breath, the blond put aside a strand of hair from her face. That was when the pair of handcuffs on Olivia's wrists popped in her vision with a cold sting. Damn. She wondered why they couldn't just show a little grace and give this woman a breath. Where could she be possibly running to? Her movement was still stiff, due to the aching shoulders and ribs, and she had already rested twice all the way up to the third floor.

_"Hey, hurry up!" _

Alex could hear Ramos hissed impatiently from where he stood.

_"You ladies need a hand down 'there'... ? My partner can lift her straight up to her bed, you know?"_

_"The fuck, man? You want her crying rape or me end up a meat pie?"_

_"Come on, Danny-boy, you're not even big enough to be her cup of tea."_

"_Fuck you!"_

_"Hey, it's your fucking hight I'm talking about, ok?"_

"Officers!" Alex couldn't take it anymore. "I can hear you! It's harassment already!"

That got Officer Goodman popped his head from the sidewall, smirked. "Sue me. Sweetheart."

"You call me that again, I swear..." The blond stopped, as the elbow held in her hand sending a little push.

"Alex,"

"What a dick..."

"let go... You know what those people like."

Eyeing Olivia, Alex's face reddened, as if she just forced down a dead fly down her throat. And it wasn't just for the stupid snickers from those fuckers, more about how the brunette being submissive.

"They're just used to talk this way."

"I'm _not_. And you neither. God, it's so wrong... you _don't_ deserve this. If- I could've done better…"

"Plz, Alex, for the last time, it's not your fault. You already did everything you could, and did the best. I could've ended up in jail, if it was't for you." Olivia said, picturing the blonde shook her head as her pearl-earrings making tiniest swaying.

"No… I never should've have let you take that deal."

"C'mon, it was either killing in passion or second degree murder. You already made miracles to let them believe that I was kidnapped not a kidnapper."

It got Alex raised voice. "Only because you truly were!"

"Okay…"

Alex narrowed eyes . "What does that mean?"

"Nothing. I just…" Olivia turned away from that burning staring. It was odd that without sight, she still felt all kinds of look people gave to her. "Sometimes it feels like someone else's case even, you know. Whatever the evidence said… "

"Liv, I still couldn't get it-"

"Oh, No. Don't. Please, we're not talking about this again."

"Alright... I know... Well, I'm sorry but-: I really dying for your being honest to me, Olivia, about this. You knew better than anyone that without solid testimonies, the forensic evidences could be ambiguous, let alone you have all the supports from your squad... Why- The way you took the DA's deal like it was an amnesty or something. You really don't wanna find out what exactly happened-"

Before she finished, the brunette had already been a couple of steps ahead. "Alex! Please... What's gone is gone. What kind of difference does this could possibly make? I just-..." Though, shaking her head, she didn't finish her words, nor catching the burning staring on her back.

* * *

Both in some awkward silence, the two women walked down through the smoke-filled hallway, with Olivia's fingertips on the wall, and the cuff around her wrists slightly clinking.

"Faster!" One of the officers barked.

Olivia nearly jumped.

"Gonna be there before you get cancer!" Alex immediately stopped their steps, giving a couple of rubs on Olivia's back. "You tired, right? You look a bit green."

The brunette simply shook her head, kept walking.

"Finally..." Then they met him, Goodman impatiently pushing himself from leaning on the doorframe. "Thought you need a hand or something."

Alex was about to snap, she heard a retch.

"Errr!" Hand on her mouth, the brunette's face reddened.

"Liv! Okay, okay, let's get some air." Waving the fumes away, Alex quickly took Olivia into her apartment.

Officer Manuel Ramos followed behind, cigarette in lips, uncuffed his prisoner in the living room. "What?" He half flirted, blowing a stream of smoke to his inmate. "Smoking turned you on?"

"Is this how you people do your job, officer bastard?" Once Olivia got free, Alex quickly led her away. "Here we go… Sofa is right in front of your feet."

Olivia nodded, sat down slowly with a hand supported on the armrest.

"You want me to take it off? And your coat?" She asked as Olivia pulling her scarf a little bit loose.

But it seemed reminded her something. She rejected. "Oh, no. I'm fine, actually."

_Yeah, no way she's gonna expose any scar in front of these men. _"Okay, so you have a rest here, honey. I go open the windows."

Sitting there, Olivia still felt like trapped. The cigarette smoke somehow made her physically sick. And she knew why. Knew it already._ [...Lots of cigarette-bottoms in the first crime scene... B__urn marks found on your body...__]_ Although, she didn't really remember any of these, it still saddened her in surprise. Yes. It surprised her, shocked her to literally be aware of how weak and not enough the brain's self-protection truly was, comparing to body memories. The God, damn, body memories.

Stop.

Reaching hands out, she made herself start to practice her cognition skills.

_No dust on the coffee table. She must clean everything… A tissue box, remote, mug…_

_And that noise coming from my kitchen, sounded like drill and… welding?_

_Yeah, setting alarm… great, ugly holes on my kitchen wall_. Though she laughed it off right away. _Out of sight, out of mind…_ _Well, so, hello, home, sweet home..._

_[._.._No force entry…but we found signs of struggles, blood, furnitures turned and broken…]_

Olivia forced down another wave of nausea.

_The smell…_

_Bleach. Definitely bleach… to clean the blood._

"Hey, water is coming." Alex noticed the little startle. "Here you go…" she gently caught Olivia's hand, guiding it to the glass.

"How long… um, it took you to clean up everything?"

"Well," glancing around, still spotting some prints-powder on the window-frames, stains on the carpet… It suddenly was a blessing that Olivia wouldn't see them. "Not that long, actually. And... not that clean, you'll know."

"Ok, Benson, listen up." Before Olivia said more, Goodman came over. "I only say the rules once, and if you break any of them, I throw your blind ass into jail. You hear me?"

Smile faded from Olivia's face. She nodded.

"Are you mute?"

"Officer," Alex had already blocked his view by standing between him and Olivia, "technically, tomorrow is when she starts to serve her term."

His pupils shrank, refocusing on the tall woman's face. "Technically, here is prison, where I am the one in charge."

"Oh, really? I though you call it Guantanamo."

"Woah," he laughed, "who the hell you think you are? I move one finger and you get your skinny little ass out of here, blondie."

"I could just save you a finger. I got the court order to stay here, looking after her."

"Court order... Sweetheart. I find a tiny little marijuana under her bed and you screwed." The young officer breathed with a smirk, giggled, pointing at Olivia with his chin. "So, the blind must be fucking you, isn't she?"

"I can't believe-"

Immediacy, Olivia grabbed on Alex's coat. "Alex, could you give us a sec, please?"

"you sure?" She slid her hand down, catching Olivia's, squeezing gently.

"Yeah, I got this. Just... want to get over with this."

She felt the squeezing back on her hand was trying very hard to calm her down.

"Ok, then..., Officers, watch out. I've worked in this system for 8 years. That's not nothing. Hope you remember."

The elder officer Ramos dropped cigarette-butt, chuckled. "Of course, counselor. Don't worry. We call him _goodman_ for reasons. You know."

Alex ignored him, grabbed the knob, looking back at Olivia over her shoulder. "Liv, I'll be just the other side of the door."

Olivia nodded with that, "Okay." but her assuring smile dropped as soon as the door closed in a click.

"Great. Just you and me, inmate." The shorter man stepped over. "Don't you think you owe me a apology?"

Olivia leant backward, feeling his body heat closer. "Sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

"For…" she guessed, "…her not being... respectful to you."

"Ah, nonono. Not her." His tone turned playful.

She felt like being toyed. "So… it was me. I'm sorry."

He interrupted. "Where's your manner?! I call you inmate, and you call me sir." Olivia's tightened chin, sent a pleasure to his heart.

"Yes, sir. I apologize, sir..." This time, she heard his satisfaction.

"That's right, inmate. You know what? I like tagging your people. Rapist, murderer, pedophile, swindler… different scum, different fun. But you…" He bent down, eyes scanning inch by inch on the Olivia's face. "Damn. What a pair of wonder woman's eyes… too upright and innocent to belong to someone killed her 11 years partner."

As he finally leaned backward, Olivia let out the breath she'd been holding too long. "I didn't-"

"Of course!" He laughed. "You only fucked him and got a dumb-ass to do the dirty job. What was he to you? Fuck Buddy? No? Guess he dumped you, didn't he? Or maybe he fucked your bitch? Broke your heart?… Anyway, must be a long ass juicy history, I bet."

_So, that's what people think? _Olivia shut her mind before it actually pictured out what the newspapers looked like. "Do I need to wear a monitor or something-...sir?"

* * *

On the other side of the door, Alex was a cat on hot bricks. She couldn't help but lean her ear closer to the peep-hole, though it barely worked any. And just as her cheek almost touched the door, suddenly a powerful drill noise scared the hell out of her.

"Shit!"

* * *

Holding Olivia's chin in a hand, Goodman talked to her ear. "Oh yeah, you need to wear something like... fake dick, maybe? That's the way you fuck her, isn't it? Look this short nasty brown hair..."

"What's this humiliation for?!" Olivia threw her head to the other side. The sudden nausea was pushing her to the edge. "Is it really necessary to spit on someone who's already hit the bottom of the hell?!"

Under the cover of the screaming drill, he backhanded her.

"Shut up!"

It was hard, hard enough to deafen her for a second.

When Olivia figured out what just happened, he had already half way lifting her body up by gripping on her collar. "This is for Lowell, the fucking, Harris!"

_...What?_

That name dropped like a stun bomb, even blocked Olivia's world from the loud drilling._ ["...I'm gonna take my time with you... You bite me, and you're dead!...NO! Please don't. Stop!...Who is the bitch now?!..."]_

As the sudden pain reconnected her with the reality, Olivia found herself was harshly thrust back to the couch, followed by Goodman's smelly breathes blowing in her face.

"... a slap and you don't have amnesia anymore?!" His shouting surfaced. "You must feel so damn lucky to do your time here, don't you? A cop in prison, a dirty dyke cop who set up a guard and accused him of rape... You'll be the most delicious cupcake all over the prison history."

* * *

The deafening drill finally stopped, which only oddly made Alex feel deafer.

_Damn. Just how damn long it's gonna take?_

* * *

"So it is personal. I get it. But I was a SVU detective. I bust rapist. Sorry I'm not sorry. "

"Ha-ha." He mocked, lifted her chin up towards him, thumb wiping the blood off of her mouth corner. "Bet you will be." Index finger playfully reaching into her mouth, turning and exploring, his the other hand gripped hard on her still sore shoulder, as a warning. "Because you are my BITCH now. You hear me?"

It cost Olivia everything not to bite off that fucking finger. Though, the next second she only felt stupid to pour oil into the fire.

Her meekness brought a smirk to Goodman's face. "Maybe I'd take a camera here some day. It's gonna make my cousin happy."

He was finally off of her, but Olivia still kept her mouth half open, trying very hard not to sense any tiny little taste he left between her lips. "Harris is your cousin?"

"Yeah. And you ruined his life, his family, his everything."

"He raped-"

"Oh, rape... Don't make me laugh! Those scums are nothing but animals, hungry, greedy, trading everything with anything... and you came to fix their hymen!" He spat. "That must make you feel like Joan of Arc. What the hell are you, huh? Tell me about you. Especially whatever between the three of you. C'mon, don't be shy." He sat down by her side, cracked a patient smile. "Cops say that the sex-crime unit is a fire house. But you, you stayed there for what-, fourteen, fifteen years, didn't you? Damn… what's the problem with you? What kind of psycho are you? Gay? Father issues? Bisexual? Masochism? Sadism?... or just sex addiction?" He grinned in Olivia's teeth-clenching silence, taking over the metal wristlet from his partner. "Never mind. I'm not interested in your shit. Lift your leg."

The corner of her mouth was still oozing bleeding, she could tasted it. But instead of pain, Olivia felt more relieved now. He wanted vengeance, wanted some satisfaction of grinding underfoot a corrupted cop, or just simply wanted some fun out of this boring world... What did that matter? What good could it make if she fought like a caged dog?

Caged dog.

"Yes, sir." She suddenly wanted to get over with it more than anything.

He put the wristlet on Olivia's ankle and locked it. "Okay. One step out of your front door, or any attempt to break it, take it off, that device on your kitchen wall goes off. It goes off for over 30 seconds, you're transferred to prison. Anyone, except for that hot lawyer, dares walk in this apartment without my written approval, you're in trouble. If you need to go out to see your shrink, or go to hospital, must report to me in advance, wait for me to take you, otherwise-"

"I'll be in prison. Got it…sir."

"Good. And don't be surprised if I show up in the midnight. I know you must be good at hiding things."

"Won't do that…sir."

"You better not. Now get up and walk to the front door, until the alarm goes off."

Hands on the coffee table, she leaned forward and rose to her feet carefully.

"What are you waiting for? Move!"

Froze like a statue, Olivia kept blinking, and slowly reached a hand out when the man's shadowy figure suddenly appeared in her vision.

* * *

_**-Late Night/The Same Day-**_

"Alex, seriously. My bed is big enough for both of us, if you don't mind, of course, I mean, this couch's as hard as rock. Gonna hurt your neck. I didn't... I'm not- I mean, although it's gonna be a little... um... uncomfortable maybe,..." Olivia couldn't help flushing, holding the pillow awkwardly in a sweaty hand, while her tongue stumbling like some teenage accidentally making an improper pun. She hated how much it heard like she was tricking the blond into her bed sexually, and, Lord, "_uncomfortable" _even_... What the hell, Benson? _"I just want to say, that you've spent too many nights in the shitty chair when I was in hospital. I already owe you too much. So..."

Alex just wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. "Relax, Liv. I'd love to take the bed, actually. But, just for the record, Liv, you don't owe me anything. Don't use that word. I do whatever I want to do, need to do, and I believe you'd do the some for me. That's... just us."

The word "_us"_, sort of hit them hard, in two totally different ways.

"Yeah, I know... also, I still appreciate everything you've done, for me."

"I swear, Olivia Benson, if you say that ever again, I'm gonna-" _kiss your mouth shut_. "be embarrassed."

"Ok, ok, so, now I keep being a good girl and take the shower first."

"Great! Let's do it-"

"I got it. I got it. You just... make the bed or something." Hand reaching to the wall, the brunette rejected the helping hands, exploring her way to the bathroom.

"At least let me take off the splints for you."

"Right. Please. Can't believe I forgot it." Olivia rolled her eyes a bit, "you have no idea how much I hate this shit."

Coming to the bathroom, Alex expertly took off the figure-8 clavicle splints with the belts around Olivia's upper-arms. "Hurts?" She observed.

"Oh, trust me. What a relief..."

Alex cracked a smile. "Turn a round. Let me take a look. Maybe the splints are too tight."

"Yes, they are! My arms are getting numb from time to time."

"Or, you've just been putting on some wright?"

"You're not calling me fat, aren't ya?"

"Emmm... Well..."

"Hey!"

They laughed as Alex dodged the brunette's playful elbowing.

"Easy, lady. Seriously, I think you did gain some healthy weight back lately." With that, the blond started her gentle massage on the brunette's neck.

"Really? I do?" Olivia did a good job hiding a silent thunder through her head to toe, with the blond's touch. "Oh, no wonder why I always feel like a swaddled baby tied in the splints."

"But your clavicles are doing well, right?"

"The wounds start to itch, and... let me see." Olivia tested her arms, and raised them carefully. "… Higher than last time, I think? Ah!… Shit... okay, how 'bout sideways?" Her elbows stopped shakily in the air, barely higher than the shoulders.

"Easy, easy. Don't over do it. 90 degree is fair enough, for now."

Eyes rolled, Olivia eased her clenching teeth and put arms back down. "You're gonna spoil your patient, Doc. Cabot." And she turned, seeing Alex drawing circles with her index finger in the air.

"That's because my patient is not so patient." The blond continued her massage.

"That's because a closure is better than all the doctors." Words out, and she felt the hands on her shoulders stopped.

"And... define closure?"

With that, the atmosphere of pleasure faded. "A closure is, to let go and move on... Please, Alex, we're going back to the old fight if we keep talking this shit."

That got both of them silence.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I must be too tied after this... long ass day." Olivia half turned, fingers reaching to the hands froze on her shoulder, held those cold, slender fingers into a squeeze.

"You didn't hit the door, did you?"

"What?"

Alex escaped their eye contact.

"I'm sorry, Liv, but feel like I better just confess, though I didn't mean to, but... um... I heard... through the door, not much, just some, but... He hit you, didn't he?" The moment Alex lifted her eyes on Olivia, the brunette has fully turned away, fingertips brushing across the corner of her mouth.

"... No. It's not what you think it is."

_It's a yes. Oh..._ Alex bent down, "still hurts?", but got pushed away.

"It's nothing!"

Alex stood still, suddenly didn't know where to put her awkward hands.

Olivia kicked herself for hurting the blond, while part of her was secretly wondering how much she did hear. "... I'm fine. It was just an accident."

"You're obviously NOT fine! And it was not an accident, neither... I gotta report this bastard!"

"Alex,"

"If this's his appetizer, only God knows what he's dick head is cooking in the coming days... Shit. I seriously got bad feelings about this bastard."

"That bastard is my Home Confinement Officer..." She tested.

"So what?! You still got your rights. He has no fucking reason at all!"

_So she doesn't know... _Somehow, relief lightened Olivia's chest. "It was just some kind of first day frighten, bluff... Nothing's gonna happen. Don't worry too much." She found Alex's hand, giving it an assuring squeeze.

"He's just a stupid guard, not God. You don't need to be scared."

"I know. And I'm not. It's... what if it's time for me to accept, that all these shit is just a part of the journey. You know? Something I have to endure, as a failed cop without badge, without public power... as an inmate."

"You're being punished, Olivia, no need to punish yourself on a extra level."

"I..." that was the moment Olivia took a really good look at her own heart, and she tasted the most bitter puckery guilt she'd ever felt in her life.

Neither of them moved an inch, until the bath water ran over the edge of the tub, soaked the mat, getting their attentions.

After taking care of the mess, lighting up a couple of candles, the time had passed, and neither of them had strength to continue any serious talk.

"Uhm... You need me to help with the shirt?" Alex decided to leave.

"Yes, please."

They'd been silent, as the blond gently unbuttoned Olivia's shirt, took it off, and then unlocked her bra from behind.

The second Olivia was half naked, Alex escaped her eyes away. "Alright. You enjoy here. I go get the bed ready and prepare your meds. Need anything, you just yell. Ok?"

"Thanks." Olivia returned a smile, but as the door closing, she was still keeping her breasts tightly covered in her bra.

_God... _

_..._

_{"I never should've have let you take that deal."_

_"It was either killing in passion or second degree murder. You already made miracles to let them believe that I was kidnapped not a kidnapper."_

_"Only because you truly were!"_

_"...Why- The way you took the DA's deal like it was an amnesty or something. You really don't wanna find out what exactly happened-"}_

_…_

_No, I don't wanna know. I don't wanna think. I don't wanna_ _being exposed to those bloody horrible details of Lewis's body, Elliot's body, my own body…_

_What if it was me who killed, killed Elliot?_

_STOP IT._

_Stop. _

Something better be left unknown.

But now hearing her own breath, her mind start to search her messy memories again.

Here, this apartment, bedroom, living room…

Nothing.

Whatever appeared in her mind was just her imaginations, based on hundreds of crime scenes she'd seen in her career, and all the scars on her body, matched all the records of her case file…

The next minute, her fingers found the light-switch on the wall.

She hadn't been turning any light in any room for a long time, but now she got her old hobbit back.

She wanted, needed, to see. See something, anything. Since that shocking moment she saw the light and figures with her blurry eyes, the urge to be in front of a mirror was getting more and more uncontrollable. And the urge came from every scar and aching place on her body, which she had caressed back and forth for a hundred times, had cursed and cried for a thousand times.

Maybe it was just the natural hobby of woman. What did your body look like? What did people see you like? What story your body was telling?

Blinked, looked down at her palms, she felt her vision got even better than hours ago.

So, here she was, in front of the mirror, eyes closed, heart stopped... Within a minute, she met her reflection.

There.

The first thing she noticed, was how much weight she had lost and how short her hair was.

Hand reached out, she wiped her face out of the foggy mirror.

_Hi, long time no see, Benson._

Her eyes located on those two big scars along her collarbones. _5 inches maybe? So much longer than they feel like…_

Her hands couldn't help but touch them. Yes, she recognized the pain, and feeling amazed by how fast the tactual world in her head got visualized.

That was when her cop instinct kicked in. As she wiping the mirror up and down, her eyes read her body like an open book. Good. A game called "wounds-identify" started.

From surgery, bite, cigarette burn, key burn, liquid burn, knife, scissors?… And here it was. One of the mysteries she always wanted to know.

The oval-shaped burn scar on her side-thigh.

She turned, lowered her body a little bit…but no, it seemed just like a red scar. And, wait. Something in it? She moved closer to the mirror, but her body was still hurt to crouch, bend down, or raise her thigh that high…

_Shit! I need a close look!_

Looking around, Olivia grabbed the powder box from the counter, flipped open, and put the tiny mirror near her thigh.

This time, she saw it, and felt fires filling her chest fast.

4

0

1

5.

4015.

_My badge number._

The thought turning into words in her mind, nausea hit her stomach.

_What the fuck did that animal do to me?!_

But it wasn't over. Just as she pressing on her stomach, taking a deep breath, something in the mirror caught her eyes.

Something was on her back.

Very slowly, she turned…

* * *

A mug in hand, Alex yawned and walked past the bathroom. _Two comforters or one?_ She still wondered which way was more awkward.

Suddenly,

_Wait. Lights? _Recently she was finally getting use to Olivia using the bathroom without lights.

She halted her steps.

"Liv?"

Frowned, Alex moved her curious steps to the frosted glass door. "Liv, you need anything?" That was when her toes felt the wetness.

The water was spilling out through the bottom of the door.

_Oh, no..._

* * *

Doctor George Huang was about to turn off the lamp and go to sleep, when his cellphone went off on the night stand.

He rubbed his eyes. _Cabot?_ Bad feelings climbed up.

"Hey, Alex."

_"Hi, George. I, I'm sorry to wake you."_

"No, I'm still up." He sat straight right away, noticing how urgent she sounded. "Is everything ok?"

A heavy sigh came before her voice. _"It's Olivia. I think…she's kinda regaining eye-sight."_

"Oh, that is great." It surprised him, for he sort of expected something bad due to her voice.

_"Yeah, but she didn't admit. She's hiding it."_

"How did you know that? I mean her eyes. Alex, slow down. You sound pretty shaky. What happened?"

_"Okay… here's the thing. I saw her taking a bath with lights on, which might be the first time since. You know. So I went to check up on her, and found her lying on the floor, unconscious. She didn't get hurt. But when I tried to cover her with a robe, she woke up… and…God. George, it scared me."_ She took a breath. _"Her eyes looked straightly at me, but they were… not hers."_

"Not hers? You mean…?"

_"They belong to… to someone else. A man. …And, and even her voice…also was a man… God. I know how ridiculous I sound now."_

"Hold on." The doctor already got on his feet. "Her voice? What did she say?"

_"She said… 'who are you? ' And called me, 'sunshine'."_

Through the line, he knew she was crying. "I'm sorry… but anything else? Take a breath, Alex, I need you to tell me everything."

"_She pulled me closer, and kissed me…roughly. It got me scared, confused. I-I tried to push apart, to get away…and she, she bit my lip, before, passed out again… Anyway, I didn't know what to do. So I just waited there, sitting on the ground, holding her, thinking about where my phone is and who to call, 911 or you… though, before I knew it, she came to. And this time, she was herself again. She…" _Alex choked up._ "…She acted like she was so ashamed, even hurt, of being naked in front of me. So, I gave her privacy, after handing her the rope. And when she got out, was a long while later. She was quiet, expressionless, walked directly to the bedroom…"_

"How's she doing now?"

_"I don't know. Faking sleep, I guess."_

"Alex, I think she has seen her body and recalled some awful things. You gotta keep an eye on her. I'll try to see you as soon as passible."

_"Ok, thank you, George… What do you think? Is, is this schizophrenia or something?"_

"Too early to say. I need to see her before-"

_"Hold on a sec…I'll call you back."_

Huang frowned, as she cut the line.

_What's now?_

And within a minute, his phone lit up again.

"Alex?"

_"…George,"_ she was whispering in a shaky voice. _"… she, she was in the living room now, facing the window, muttering."_

"You called her?"

_"Y-Yes, but she didn't,… I feel…she's not here."_

"Could you get closer and tell me what she's saying?"

_"Okay…"_

He held breath, focused on Alex's shallow gasps.

_"She... keeps saying, '**it's just a cat. A bunch of meat. It's nothing…'** George. I'm scared."_

* * *

_(TBC)_

**you like it?**

**What the hell happened to Olivia? What did she remember? **

**Please review~~~**


	4. Chapter 4

First of all, I really need to thank all your nice words in the reviews. Every word read like honey to me. I love you guys~!

And I'm very sorry for updating so late... the new year thing is kinda sucking my dry, seriously. But, anyway, here we go.

Warning: contains violence, dark scenes... Hope you're ok with it.

* * *

Chapter 4

-Bedroom-

-Afternoon-

With the bedroom door closing, "Feel better?" George Huang observed Olivia, recalling Alex's words. _I think she can see things now, in some level._ "Something don't want share with her?"

_I've been sharing with too much shit with her you have no idea._ "It just… put pressure on me." Olivia leaned forward, hand slowly reaching out, cautiously searching for her mug on the desk. As it held in her both hands, her thumbs expertly moved up to feel where was rim, before she finally took a sip of the cool liquid.

_No way she was faking it._ The FBI psychiatrist was a bit surprised and hurt to notice how well she was adjusting. "I'm sorry for coming over this late."

"Don't. I know difficulties of the procedure, anyway. I really need to talk to you, George." Her tone sounded heavy.

"How are you doing lately?"

She took a hell of long breath, setting down the cup. "Not good. Awkward." A bitter smile came up with her head shaking. "The whole living-with-my-beloved-but-foreign-*girlfriend* thing… couldn't be more Goddamn strange. I don't know where is the lone, what I supposed to do or not do. You know? To prevent hurting her feelings and embarrassing myself… And even worse, she's pretty much trapped in the same place. Yeah, _trapped_. _Some_ _place_."

_Good start_. Though he was aware that no way could be the first thing on Olivia's need-to-talk-list. "I see. For her, the intimacy is normal and comfortable, but not for you. Try this: what do you think If one day you find back the right feelings back, becoming a real girlfriend of hers. How does that make you feel?"

Slowly, the corner of her mouth rose a bit, but that smile turned into frown fast. "Yeah, sounds too good to be ture, only if I was still the same woman she used to know."She felt stupid now. _Good. You always are not good at starting conversation with a shrink_. "Let's...not talk about this. I-... I'm so desperate to see you, is because something is not right with me."

_Here we go._ "I'm listening."

"It started the first night I got back, she must have told you. I…" What she saw in the mirror lit up in her mind, and quickened her heartbeat immediately. "I saw, things."

"You mean..."

"My eyes, somehow worked again, though it was just for a while."

He nodded, and added a _yes_ right away, knowing she didn't need body languages. "What did you see?"

"It was blurry, and dark, but...I saw my body."

He wondered how it made her feel. Though he decidied not to go straight there yet. "You recalled something?"

"Some, some things… I remembered came home from work, putting something on the counter, heard something. It was like a mattress groan or so, from my bedroom. I thought it was Alex, but…"

…

…

_But her instinct didn't feel that way._

_"Hello…?" She half teasing, came to the bedroom._

_If it wasn't for her face being pointed by a gun, in her own house, Olivia Benson never would have believed that terror could literally paralyze her. And more than that, for some frustrated seconds, even her ears didn't work. All she knew was the man, Willian Lewis, aka "the beast", was saying something with his famous smirk hanging on the corner of his mouth, while she just couldn't comprehend any of these words._

_"…Here we go. That's the look I love to see on your face. Pretty."_

_As her mind worked again, Olivia grabbed back what he just said, which was__welcome home, detective.__She swallowed drily. "How did you get in? What do you want?"_

_"You tell me, detective?" He lowered the gun, slowly sliding it along her chin._

_Thousand crime scene photos of the beast's case flooded in her mind, with her captain's command echoing background like a curse:__go home, stay there two days__. Bad feelings started to freeze her gut._

_"You're crazy, Lewis. You invaded a NYPD detective's house in the early weekend night, and my partner's going to be here at any minute."_

_"'Partner', huh? You mean the cute little Latino, or the tough cowboy on that old picture with you, or… the blond cunt?"_

_Her anger raised as much as fear._

_"So you've fucked every one of them?" He grinned widely. "I caught you, didn't I? Wow, such a colorful life. Detective Saint."_

_Cheap vodka in his breath, making her lean back with all her guard up. No way this beast could be reasonable with alcohol running in his veins. The last thing she needed here, was to get physical… "Lewis, listen to me." She said as calmly as she could. "This place is not safe. I just come back here changing clothes before hang out with my colleagues. If I don't show up in 15 minutes, they're gonna come over to pick me up."_

_"Shut up!" Without a warning, Lewis thrust the gun hard under her chin, pushing her to the sidewall._

_It happened too fast. Before she reacted, the back of her head had hit hard on the wall, while his iron grip was already around her throat. "I'm gonna kill whoever knocks that door tonight and make you watch. You hear me? I am the one in charge of this game, not you!"_

_"Ok… K… i get it now. Just, let me go. I can't breath-"_

_"That's your way asking for a mouth to mouth?"_

_"No-" Olivia didn't even get the chance to turn away, before his mouth covered hers. He sucked hard, licked roughly, with a__pinchers-like hand__tightening the grip on her neck._

_As nausea and dizziness overwhelming, fear did its best job to activate all her trained muscle . The next thing she knew, was the beast rolling on the floor, both hands holding on his crotch._

_"You BITCH!"_

…

…

"It was William Lewis. He pointed a gun at me, and grabbed me."

George shifted forward. It was the first time she said that name like she really knew him. "Anything after that?"

"He … he overpowered me."

…

…

_"C'mon, you're better than this. Don't disappoint me. Get up!"_

_Her chest was burning in pain, rage and humiliation. But with her wrists cuffed behind, and one ankle twisted, getting back on feet felt almost impossible._

_"HELP! SOMEBODY Hel-"_

_He shut her up with another kick in the stomach. "Told you it's not screaming time yet. You want me to tape your mouth? No? Fine, how about this?"_

_Before she recovered from the killing pain on her ribs, her neck had been caught in his grip._

_He pinned her down on the ground, grinning widely in her death choking struggle. "Get up, detective. Hurry! C'mon… What the hell are you waiting for, huh? Ain't you a badass cop? Show me your power!"_

_As the darkness and stars finally fading, Olivia became more aware of how impossible it was for her to win this physical battle._

_"Gave up already? C'mon, get the fuck up!"_

_… can't…_

_When her throat was free to breath, the only sound she could make out now, was only coughing and gasping._

_Lewis grunted at her curled up body on the floor, "really?" raised up, stripping his shirt and tossing it. "I just warmed up. You know? Don't be such a killjoy." He got back closer, gently putting a foot on Olivia's side neck, pressing a little bit down. "What do you think will happen if I just lean forward and step on-"_

_"No! Don't…"_

_"Wait, is that terror in your eyes?"_

_"What you... w-wan...t from me?"_

_"Well, well, well. Look who's finally in the game." Off her, Lewis pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one. "But aren't you a detective? You tell me."_

_"I know you want to revenge. You want to do the same thing you did to Alice to me. But then what? It's Friday night, Lewis. Think about it. Anyone could show up-"_

_"Listen up." He shut her up with a spit. "First of all, you hurt my feelings, honey. You think William Lewis is such an untalented, boring guy. But I assure you. You'll see how creative I truly am and how special you are to me. Second. No more threat. No more being a smart bitch. You got it?" Without a warning, he stubbed the cigarette butt out into her neck..._

…

…

"He told me what he wanted." She whispered.

"What was that?"

Her face paled. "He wanted to prove that I'm no better than him."

"What happened next?"

She shook her head, setting the cup down. "What's all. It flashed back… at the time I blacked out, in the bathroom."

"I'm sorry for what happened."

She shook head, rubbing on her sore eyes. "So, he kidnapped me. I'm pretty sure about that. He did... whatever his sick brain wanted to me. And I ended up here... I really killed him, didn't I? Guess the more I remember the less I feel guilty about it. Though I never win the battle, I know, cuz he killed me too. I'm dead, I'm fucked, George. I-I probably going crazy. I mean, crazy-crazy."

"What makes you say that?"

"I hear things..."

Huang felt his breath held. "What kind of things?"

"I'm not sure... Like... God I swear it's either my ears fucked up too or-" She still couldn't believe she was actually talking this with him. _C'mon, Benson. Once you say it out loud, it becomes real... Or not._ "Whispers." No surprise, she already regreted.

And she was having this conversation with the man, about how it sounded like, how often, when, where, what... Until all the outside of her looked convinced that it could be anything or nothing or the pain killer... while the entire inside hadn't been doing nothing but debate : _it is ghosts or schizophrenia?_

Before her tongue was too shaky to go on. "George," she cut him off as less rude as she could, "I'm sorry but, um, I really need to ask something... She said I sleep-walked, which I have no idea. And I... I can tell that must be something she's been holding back. I tried to...but- Anyway. What else did I do, or say? I know you two have been in touch. So, tell me, please."

He understood what she meant.

_..._

_"Alex, I think maybe you should let her know."_

_"I can't."_

_..._

"Okay, so... When you came to, you did something… unusual."

That got all her attention.

"You called her '_sunshine'_, and you, kissed her, in a little dominating way." He chose the word.

For a long while, Olivia froze like a statue, before a sickening heave hit her gut. "I-... what? No, I…I didn't…I-I" _Sunshine, my sunshine… _"No, you gotta be fucking kidding." Her face reddened in a dry heave, "Why I- … What the fuck are you talking about?"

"You ok?"

Her eye closed. _No, I'm not. _she wanted to break something, or yell, but only lost words when her chin starting to tremble. "He called me that."

"Who?"

"The Goddamn mother fucker... So wh-what, why?"

"Liv, psychological traumas can do this to people."

Her tone hardened. "D-Did I hurt her?"

He decided not to tell the split on Alex's lowerlip. "No, she's alright."

"What else? Tell me."

"When you were sleepwalking," he watched her closely, "you murmured something. Something about… A cat."

_Cat?_

…

_"Just a bunch of meat! DO IT! DO IT NOW!"_

_Blood… hot, sticky blood was all over her hands…_

…

"Liv," Huang put a hand on Olivia's elbow, noticing her face turned green.

"I-I…" All of a sudden, the blood smell hit her as violent as an ocean wave. She couldn't breath now. The entire room felt like filling with blood, warm, blood...

Before Huang got a chance to reach the trashcan, she had jerked up with hands flying to the mouth.

Fortunately, he helped her made it to the bathroom before she threw up.

She couldn't do anything except kneeling over the toilet, retching and coughing, despite how the awful pain tearing her ribs and collarbones. If is wasn't for being held by Huang, she would have definitely fallen down to the ground.

When it finally ended, cold sweat had streamed down her forehead.

George Huang helped her up and back to the bed, feeling his own eyes watered witnessing the Olivia he had been known for 14 years now was even too beat to have a deserved cry. "Olivia, you haven't eaten."

Eyes closing, she responded with a weak nod.

"Okay, okay,… It's over now. You're safe… let it go." He tried very hard to remain professional, while gently put a tissue into her hand. "We're done today. No more talking… You need to get some rest. Let me get you some water."

"I," she whispered, eyeing blankly at his direction. "I stabbed a cat, with… a flick-knife. I killed it… I saw… I saw its death kicking. In my bloody hands… The smell…" finally, her tears poured down that ashy pale face. "He made me." Her hunched body trembled as if in a feverish cold. "H-He forced me. How could I? I-I NEVER would have let that motherfucker manipulate me to do… Why? Why I gave in?"

"Liv…"

But she wasn't here. "Dammit, I just can't. So stupid! …I can't… I can't…"

She kept muttering, while he wondered it meant she couldn't remember or couldn't take it anymore. "Olivia, stop it. Liv, stop. Listen to me, please… Hey, I'm here… Please, listen to me…" He gently rubbed on her upper arms with thumbs, waiting for her to calm down.

Eventually, her face turned a bit, as if reaching for his voice with an ear, still panting.

Huang breathed out a relief, to welcome the typical body language when a blind paying attention. "You had some flashback attack, and it's over now. I do not want you to hold it. Let it go. You hear me?" He continued after her head nodded. "…which means your brain is getting ready to release some sealed memories. So, I believe that from now on, all the flashbacks are gonna keep coming back. I'm sorry… So, you gotta learn to deal with it."

She awkwardly leaned forward a bit, hand pressing on the side ribs. "George… Am I-… going crazy?" As she finishing, her tears dropped down as well.

That broke Huang's heart. "No, Olivia, you're not."

"Be honest with me, please. I've seen this. Sometimes people just too damaged to heal. Behavior problems, psychological disorders, psychosis…"

"Doctor Benson, you need to stop being paranoid. PTSD hurts. You know it. But still, it's way too far from what you worry about."

"You don't know…" Instead of saying something, she sank into a quiet head shaking.

"I probably could only feel one-tenth of what you've been through, but you've gotta believe that even the worst mental condition has its first stage, let alone we're intervening in the first place."

"My mom had schizo."

With that, dead silence froze the air.

Now, George Huang understood what that you don't know really meant, which sent a shiver down his spine.

"It could be hereditary, right? What if- I mean, I've never sleepwalked before, never…"

"Calm down, Liv."

"But I feel, I feel something must be so wrong. George… I'm afraid."

"Hey…We always got your back. Don't be afraid to be afraid." Gently, he pulled her closer and held as tight as her injured body allowed. "How's your sleep? Nightmare?"

She noded. "It started."

"What it is about?"

"Images, feelings, voices…but most of them didn't make any sense, and I lost them as soon as I opened eyes." _God, the fucking headache starts again._

"But you do remember the things you just told me."

"The dreams basically left me nothing but shit feelings, so one night I got up… bare feet, stayed in silence, breathed the air, touched things…"

"It worked."

"Things just surfaced bit by bit, kinda like you suddenly recalled where was your long lost ring or something."

"How does it make you feel?"

_Good question… _That brought Olivia to another long silence. "Glad, and terrified." She said in calm, though quickly, her voice choked with emotion. "I need, I want to know what the hell happened to me, and…Elliot. But part of me just…doubt if I could take it."

"You're strong, Olivia. Don't forget that. You've helped a lot victims and survived the worse part …"

He kept saying, but the first sentence had already jabbed her chest hard. It took her a hell of good patience and self-control to not to shut him up with a hiss. This you're-strong-kind of lecture sounded like nothing but a sour mocking to her now. "George, stop. Sorry. But I want to know, what the hell he got on my back."

This time, he was the one froze in silence.

"The moment when my eyes got brief vision that night, I tried, but couldn't see it clearly. What is that? I've never seen a tattoo like this, this color. It's… red? A pattern or something?… Or a word?…" hesitation she felt from Huang, burnt her chest. "George!"

"Liv," since she must have seen some part already… "It's…" Huang couldn't help but feel his eyes welling up.

Her teeth gritted. "Tell, me, please! I don't want to hear it from Alex."

Huang rose to his feet, turning away from those dark eyes, even they weren't able to see. "Ok. But before that, I just want you to know, it's completely removable when the wounds fully healed."

"Yeah, I know. Just a God damn tattoo. So…"

"It's not a tattoo, technically." He forced a breath. _She deserves to know. _"It's… burnt and…carved."

_What?… burnt and…carved..._

_Burnt and carved. Burnt and carved. Burnt and carved. Burnt and carved._

Slowly, her hand moved, reaching as far as it could to touch her back. When it couldn't get any closer, she gripped shakily hard on the side of her sweater. "H-How…?"

Out of the corner of his eye, Olivia's death grasped white knuckles shone some suffocating light. Turning further away, he heard his little remained calmness. "The doctor said, it seems seared by high temperature flame, and… some skin removed after that, by… sharp instrument."

_Flame...What flame?! Sharp instr- _Her ears started ringing. "What's the pattern?"

_Am I really gonna put these bloody cruelness on her?_ "A…hand."

"A...h-hand...? His hand... So, his hand's on my-" The whisper was so low and hoarse that didn't sound like her.

That was when the entire world shut down by freezing quietness.

Facing the afternoon sunlight coming from the window, George Huang eventually managed dry his eyes without making a sound, and then forced down the stubborn lump in the throat. He kinda expected her sob, anger, question… while for a long moment, he just didn't feel exist.

Meanwhile, with her head nodded unconsciously, the only feeling Olivia got, was bone-biting cold and numbness, as if millions of invisible needles were pricking her at the same time both inside and out, while her brain was just ironically hollow. No flashbacks, no trace of any of these memories, no nothing.

So, this was her long-expected and terrified revealing of the mystery. She used to imagine all kinds of possibilities of what it could be, but none of them as ugly as what she just heard.

"Liv,"

As his cautiously touch on her shoulder, she heard him.

"Olivia?"

And it was for the first time in her life, this name sickened her.

_How could people still call me that after seeing- Wait. How many of them have seen, really? They all saw it, saw all of the Goddamn disgusting shit and still pretend nothing is unusual, while hiding their sick look- Oh, right, why they bother? _

That was when his staring felt acid showering on her skin.

Within a second, all these pain, rage and urge of punching something accumulated in her body, exploded.

"Shut up and get the fuck out of here."

( TBC )


End file.
